5 Commandments for Outdoor Dining at a Restaurant, According to a Longtime Waiter

Now is that time of year when Mother Nature grants us that sliver of seasonal perfection between cold and rainy and hot and humid. The clothes in our closets are rotated, the allergies flare up, and some restaurants give diners the option to dine outdoors. Eating on the patio is absolutely lovely for some people, but it comes with a new set of rules. 

Take the weather with a grain of salt

Even a trained meteorologist can’t predict the weather down to the minute and neither can a restaurant hostess, so don’t ask. They don’t know if it’s going to rain later or if the wind will die down. If it was hot outside when you stepped into the restaurant, it’s probably the exact same temperature out on the patio. If it does start to rain and you decide you want to move inside, there might not be a table available so hopefully there’s an umbrella for you. You know who won’t have an umbrella? The server. And if you’re hot, they’re hotter. 

Bugs live there

There are 10 quintillion (that’s 19 zeros) insects in this world and most of them reside in nature. When one of them makes their way into our home, we rarely welcome them with anything other than a can of Raid or a rolled-up magazine. When eating outside, you’re in their world. Complaining to your server about flies is only going to make them think you don’t understand how outdoors works. A server can ask a cook to leave out the cilantro, but they can’t ask a bee to lay off your lemonade. And if a gnat dies an untimely death by drowning in your beer, please know the gnat died happy and the bartender isn’t going to replace your pint. 

Birds live there, too

Seagulls are pushy little buggers, but they work for themselves, not the restaurant. If you give a seagull a french fry, everyone on that patio will hate you for it. That winged scavenger will think it now deserves all the fries and will be relentless in its pursuit for more. And if a bird happens to relieve itself on you, some people say that’s good luck. And that’s definitely what your server will say when you complain about it. 

Mind your dog

Eating outside is a great way to include your pup, but every restaurant, city and state have different ordinances, so don’t assume it’s okay and just show up with your 120-pound Bullmastiff. If it is allowed, keep in mind that you’re still at a restaurant. Letting your dog roam from table to table is not okay. Not everyone is comfortable with canines, especially servers who are carrying heavy trays of food and don’t want to trip on a leash. If your dog is thirsty, you can ask your server for some water, but remember that people are probably the priority, so if it shows up in a to-go tin 10 minutes later, just say thank you. 

Don’t overstay your welcome

The tables outside are just as important as the ones inside and maybe even more so if it’s a specular view. Once the meal has been completed, it’s time to say goodbye to that gorgeous sight of the ocean and let someone else enjoy it for a while. Restaurants and servers need to turn tables in order to make money, so sitting on the patio for two hours with only cocktails and appetizers is a definite no-no, especially if the restaurant is crowded. The weather may be perfect for soaking in the sun and catching up with friends, but that’s what parks are for. 

Enjoy your time dining outdoors now because before we know it, the temperature will be too hot for it. Immediately after experiencing the world’s hottest summer on record, it will be autumn and then winter rears its icy head again. Now is the time for outdoor dining, but hurry. By the time you read this, it might already have passed.